Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
