Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
