Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
barbara walters just said penis...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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