the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sext me about skeletons
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
