Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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