either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
thus making me awesome and them whores
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
