If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
