Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
