you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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