just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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