A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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