Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
