we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
