I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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