Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
