i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
