this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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