i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
