Where are you?
In a non slutty way
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
