I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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