my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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