Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
