My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
