just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
