If i come over, it means nothing
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
