Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
