OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
