I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
