i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Your penis caused this!
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