first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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