3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
