It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
