i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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