In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
