just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
