thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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