I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
