Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
