when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
