i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
