Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
