I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
