She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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