so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
