From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
