I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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