Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
