I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
