I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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