I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
