Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
