Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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